there is also, of course, the very known fact of my spain/france travels with my sister. what a sensational time we had. partying in barcelona until 5 am, having a favorite mercado frutas across the street from us, learning to use a metro system having never been on a train or subway in our lives. although, i should take that back. i did ride a subway in july in boston with my cousins. boston! yes, i also traveled to boston. i seem to find something in common everywhere i travel: i fall in love with the place. the newness, the smells, the different way of life.
i have an itch.
i am sorry, but no, it can't be satisfied with more cowbell, unless that somehow takes me to ireland, or sweden, or...somewhere. i am restless, yet somehow i know i can't make the move to go just yet. i am too damn tired. finally, i am in a stable living situation; finally, i am in a place that i LOVE; finally i have a full-time job with benefits...and it's so very annoying that it's still not very fulfilling. you see, i know that we will be searching for fulfillment the rest of our lives, but it would be nice to be thrown a bone every once in a while that makes me feel something.
i don't really recall when i stopped feeling. of course i don't mean that i have become a machine completely devoid of any sort of emotion. i suppose it's more that, i feel less than i have at any point in my life. i have very little that i truly care about. maybe i poured out so much of my soul during the earlier years of my life that i have little left to show for it. and now i have to wait. for what exactly? beans if i know.
i just finished watching eat.pray.love. explains a bit now doesn't it? in any other time in my life, that movie would have moved me to tears. but i only shed one or two when one phrase was spoken: "believe in love again". maybe this is the source of my unrest. the source of my lack of feeling. i have lost the belief of finding love quite entirely. only in my life of course, because i know and see it very much around me everyday. i'm not spiteful, although there are times where i may spew a few nasty words. no, i believe it is more of a profound sense of loss. my heart is now guarded by a wall so thick i don't want it to be penetrated. i have moments of weakness [ha...pride more like it] where i feel as if i wished someone would just attempt to break down the walls. but who really likes to do that? and why should i expect that? well, i could think of several, but i'll keep my mouth shut for now.
i have been wanting to write my thoughts in one of my plethora of journals, but writing really hurts my obnoxious carpal tunnel arm. so typing i chose. it needed to get out.
i did start believing again recently. i met a wonderful boy in spain. he's a bit of the hopeless romantic i remember knowing in myself. he started to bring it out in me again. until the feelings became real, and i had to face the fact that he lives 5000 miles away. the reality hit him too. my heart started drifting towards him, and now it's back, locked away.
i wonder if i really do get bored so quickly. i look back on my life, and i did that with school. SO bored. because it was easy [until college of course]. unfortunately that is no longer the case. i think i now become bored/restless because that something is too committal. i am tired of being the one to commit to something and eventually be the last one standing. my feet hurt. well, besides literally, quite figuratively. i have become exactly who i always despised: the non-committal, too scared, too pansy-ass type of person. everything in me wants to pick up and go somewhere. do something else, experience experience experience [or realists say run run run], but it takes so much of my strength to just stay here. i am tired of fighting the inner struggle. i am also tired of waiting. but i am desperately trying not to take a 'fuck the world' attitude and keep my wits about me. yes, it is my life, and yes i do have dreams and goals, but i still have to be rational.
and the rational thing to do now would be to go to bed. even if i do have tomorrow off.
