tick tock goes the clock

i suppose it's that time again. a year and 3 months have gone by without a peep from me. apparently a lot can happen in such a short amount of time. i moved once within eugene, and one big move back to where my heart heard the calling: bellingham. i finally acknowledged that it may be time to move back when i was driving across the columbia river [yet again] and tears of joy streamed down my face unchecked; just for the sheer fact that i was in washington. evidently i had missed it more than i realized. who knew?

there is also, of course, the very known fact of my spain/france travels with my sister. what a sensational time we had. partying in barcelona until 5 am, having a favorite mercado frutas across the street from us, learning to use a metro system having never been on a train or subway in our lives. although, i should take that back. i did ride a subway in july in boston with my cousins. boston! yes, i also traveled to boston. i seem to find something in common everywhere i travel: i fall in love with the place. the newness, the smells, the different way of life.

i have an itch.

i am sorry, but no, it can't be satisfied with more cowbell, unless that somehow takes me to ireland, or sweden, or...somewhere. i am restless, yet somehow i know i can't make the move to go just yet. i am too damn tired. finally, i am in a stable living situation; finally, i am in a place that i LOVE; finally i have a full-time job with benefits...and it's so very annoying that it's still not very fulfilling. you see, i know that we will be searching for fulfillment the rest of our lives, but it would be nice to be thrown a bone every once in a while that makes me feel something.

i don't really recall when i stopped feeling. of course i don't mean that i have become a machine completely devoid of any sort of emotion. i suppose it's more that, i feel less than i have at any point in my life. i have very little that i truly care about. maybe i poured out so much of my soul during the earlier years of my life that i have little left to show for it. and now i have to wait. for what exactly? beans if i know.

i just finished watching eat.pray.love. explains a bit now doesn't it? in any other time in my life, that movie would have moved me to tears. but i only shed one or two when one phrase was spoken: "believe in love again". maybe this is the source of my unrest. the source of my lack of feeling. i have lost the belief of finding love quite entirely. only in my life of course, because i know and see it very much around me everyday. i'm not spiteful, although there are times where i may spew a few nasty words. no, i believe it is more of a profound sense of loss. my heart is now guarded by a wall so thick i don't want it to be penetrated. i have moments of weakness [ha...pride more like it] where i feel as if i wished someone would just attempt to break down the walls. but who really likes to do that? and why should i expect that? well, i could think of several, but i'll keep my mouth shut for now.

i have been wanting to write my thoughts in one of my plethora of journals, but writing really hurts my obnoxious carpal tunnel arm. so typing i chose. it needed to get out.

i did start believing again recently. i met a wonderful boy in spain. he's a bit of the hopeless romantic i remember knowing in myself. he started to bring it out in me again. until the feelings became real, and i had to face the fact that he lives 5000 miles away. the reality hit him too. my heart started drifting towards him, and now it's back, locked away.

i wonder if i really do get bored so quickly. i look back on my life, and i did that with school. SO bored. because it was easy [until college of course]. unfortunately that is no longer the case. i think i now become bored/restless because that something is too committal. i am tired of being the one to commit to something and eventually be the last one standing. my feet hurt. well, besides literally, quite figuratively. i have become exactly who i always despised: the non-committal, too scared, too pansy-ass type of person. everything in me wants to pick up and go somewhere. do something else, experience experience experience [or realists say run run run], but it takes so much of my strength to just stay here. i am tired of fighting the inner struggle. i am also tired of waiting. but i am desperately trying not to take a 'fuck the world' attitude and keep my wits about me. yes, it is my life, and yes i do have dreams and goals, but i still have to be rational.

and the rational thing to do now would be to go to bed. even if i do have tomorrow off.

same line, different tune.

what more does one want out of a relationship when it's healthy, peaceful, comfortable, fun, stimulating, what gives it the za za zum? the butterflies? if it's not there, what do you do? how many more times can i hear "you're everything i need, but". what brings the but? i have been told i'm beautiful, wonderful, a great model of a mother for future kids, intelligent, etc. and then comes the three letter word in the english language i despise the most; but. but what? am i just adequate on all accounts?

a time for everything under the sun

i am quite curious to see if anyone will read this. i had purposed to use this blog as my traveling update, but unfortunately there was no international travel to reflect on (see previous (and only) blog). instead i ventured off to the vail valley of beautiful colorado. you have heard it was beautiful, yes? well, the 5 months i spent there were the ugliest of my life. literally. the only colors i saw when i looked around were white and brown. and of course blue since it truly is sunny quite often. but the point being, i missed the northwest. i missed the smells; the sights; the ability to breathe; even the rain! no, especially the rain. the way the earth smells after the rain has stopped, the rainbows only capable of sharing their beauty when there has been rain, the fact that rain makes everything green. a true, deep, life giving green. i hadn't ever realized how attached i was to where i grew up. i always knew i was going to travel. i've even fantasized of living in another country and raising a family there. but wherever i end up, i now know there are certain things about the lay of the land that i cannot sacrifice. the beauty of this area calms me. the smells calm me. the way of life calms me. i only lived in colorado for 5 months. but i had to return home.

but the time i spent there was most definitely not in vain. if i hadn't gone to colorado, i wouldn't have met lydia. and if i hadn't met lydia, i wouldn't be here in eugene, or. this is where i'm meant to be. as for why, we'll see. i just know that being here is a good step. i'm not in school and i haven't found a full time job. but i'm looking into some intense and wonderful grad programs and i am blessed to have the opportunity of nannying for my cousin's best friends. they have a daughter named elise who is 2 and a half years old. one of the smartest 2 and a half year olds by the way. plus, she could be a hobbit. in the cutest way possible. she has curly blonde hair and big brown/green eyes. i have missed working with children, and time with her has brought joy into my heart.

i'm not entirely sure what the point of this blog is. i felt inspired. maybe it's because i have a lot of extra time on my hands while my new friends are all in school :)

i know that in 6 days it will have been a year since my wreck. i won't be celebrating the fourth of july in the doctor's office. or in another country :) this year i'm going back to shelton to be with my family. to enjoy my grandpa's favorite holiday. to sit in his chair and remember how excited he would get every fourth of july. to be with my grandma and see for myself that she's recovering well. to be with my sister who lives so far away now. the time we have is so precious. to be with my cousin sammie (and kari) and laugh hysterically at how funny we are. to see my seanie all grown up and now 15! to see my aunt sara and uncle dave, whom i love very much. to be with my parents who are so ridiculously in love with their children and have sacrificed more than i'll ever know for our sake.

at this time in my life, my heart is at rest. i am content. i am happy. i am thankful.

time to sleep and stop this grammatically incorrect fiasco of a post :)

post script - i should also include that i don't think colorado and the rocky mountains are the ugliest things i've ever seen (drive through parts of idaho or the midwest some time). i truly loved the beauty that was there, but in comparison...it has nothing on my home :)

junior mints

i'm here in skagway eating my left over jr mints that i bought and ate while watching the Dark Knight yesterday. i love the taste of chocolate and mint. but more importantly, i feel inspired and energized by the taste to finally start a blog as i promised so many people i would.

alaska has been the complete opposite of what i had expected. i've been here before. been here, done that, if you will, and was expecting this summer to be much the same as it was in '06. however, some of you know (i apologize to those of you who have not yet heard this from me) that i was in a roll over motorcoach accident on the 4th of this month. a mere week and 5 days after arriving here. it was my second highway run. if you really could even count the first one as a highway run. i was driving local tours for the first week of being here, and unlike two years ago, i was thoroughly enjoying it. yet, i was so excited for highway. i know i love it. i love the drive; being with the other drivers out and about; the traveling part of it all. so i was prepared to leave the local aspect behind and semi-alienate myself as i became a highway driver. erin and i were so excited to actually be able to see each other more than once or twice a week. we had so many plans and excitement built up for our summer together up here.

then july 4th happened. it's all still a little bit unreal to talk about, so i'll keep it short. i was halfway to my destination (driving myself up to Dawson) when i turned a blind corner and was met with a moose in my lane. i know i have a huge risk of dying if i hit it, so i swerve, but alas, there is no shoulder on this section of road. so the back of the coach caught on the steep gravel decline (about 6 feet) and i knew. there was no choice but to brace myself and pray that i live. and i did. i really shouldn't have. actually, i had to write a report about the accident, so i'll just post a bit of it in here...(it was a 10 page detailed report).

*WARNING - content may bore you, but these are details of what went through my head *

"...So I take a deep breath and slow down before the curve, ready to accelerate if need be. I realize I’m tired. I check my mirror, Oh, Rebecca, it’s – something in the road, no oncoming cars , I swerve. Too hard, crap. My heart skips as adrenaline starts to rush through my body, and I realize that the front tires are dangerously close to the edge, so I turn but the back swings and hits the gravel edge. Oh my God. I feel it out of my control. I scream ‘OH GOD’ and grab my hands on the wheel. I try to relax my body because I have no other choice, the coach is starting to roll. It jerks downward. I had seen the steep grade. There was no shoulder, this coach is going to overturn. I could die. My eyes are open enough to see everything swirling and exploding around me. I go upside down. The noises are deafening. I am holding my breath and trying not to move. It’s slowing down and I am up in the air now. Everything stops. The dirt is in clouds around me and I’m hanging sideways gripping the seatbelt. Somehow I prop myself on the left arm rest of the seat and unbuckle myself while grabbing the wheel with both arms. I swing down and drop the few feet onto the ground. That was too easy. God, why was I spared? I’m shaking and I walk out the front of the coach. It hadn’t hit me that the windshield was busted through and that’s why I could walk out. I am afraid of the coach blowing up, and just need to be far away from it for now. I run up the side of the embankment with ease and am met with a guy getting out of his truck. I think I have blood running down my face. That’s why my hands are bloody. I don’t care though, I know I’m okay, but I just ruined a coach. I just rolled it. What the hell am I going to do? I start panicking. The guy calms me down. Sweetheart, it’s okay. It’s okay. I am sorry to say that I yelled at him. It’s NOT okay! I just rolled a fucking coach!” “But sweetheart, you had to swerve to miss the elk, or moose or whatever was in front of you. I saw it. You’re okay.” We stand in silence, then he hands me a slip of paper. Words, but I know it’s probably important, so I slip it into my pocket. Somehow my mind hasn’t quite grasped all of it yet. I turn around and look at the coach. Oh my God. What am I going to do. Other people drive up; I think they are talking to me, but I don’t hear them. I’m shaking. I’m wandering. Thank God they were there or I could have just wandered down the road in shock and may have gotten hit myself. No sign of the animals. They ask me if I’m okay. I just look at them. They ask where I’m headed. “Well, Dawson, but that doesn’t matter right now. I need to let my people down in Skagway and Whitehorse know.” “You need to go to a doctor too, sweetie.” “Mhm.” Another car. Dean. He’s going to Carmacks. He can take me to file a report and see a nurse. The other car takes off. They have two kids and don’t have room . Thank you just the same. Their poor panicked faces. The woman is in shock, I know she wants to help, but doesn’t know what to do. I’m now alone with two men. They see I’m a bit hysterical. I keep talking about work. I’m going to lose my job. I don’t know if I ever even do want to drive again. Somehow they get me to stop talking. Another couple shows up. A woman and a man. The woman comes right to me. I finally begin to cry. I’m shaking again. Oh my God I should have died. Or at least be hurt. Not feeling so okay. She comforts me. Somehow we’re down in the ditch in front of the coach. The woman starts cleaning my wounds from Dean’s first aid kit. I stand and cry and shake. It feels like she cleans my face forever. The men are quiet. Gathering my things into a pile. Shaking off some of the dirt. The mosquitoes are terrible. But now that I have antiseptic on my face, I don’t think they like the smell. Good. I desperately need some comfort, I feel like I might faint. They get me water. It has dirt in it somehow. Probably everything does. I wander into the front of the coach. I am wide-eyed. They ask me questions about what I want taken. My clothes bag is stuck under the bar. That’s okay. Just clothes. Wait, no. I need my bear. Dean cuts it out. I watch as they kindly keep gathering my things. I think they are in shock too. They ask if I am sure I don’t need anything else from the bag. Oh! My Bible. It is starting to sprinkle. The clothes can get wet, but not my Bible. The lady’s husband cuts open my bag and rocks the coach to try to pry my Bible loose. I am thankful for his efforts. What a kind person. He succeeds. I cry in thankfulness. I know she has to leave soon, but I don’t want her to go. I stand dazed. I feel like I have to stay with my coach. I can’t leave it behind. “Sweetheart, you can’t stay here. You need to go see a doctor or nurse and file a report. The coach won’t go anywhere.” They turn off the lights and find the key and give it to me. Dean has never seen the underside of a coach and wanders. I decide to aimlessly follow. Maybe it would be interesting. Hmm. No damage there. Since it rolled the undercarriage never really came in contact with the ground. I climb up the hillside again. This time less quickly. It’s steep and I slip a little; clutching my bear. The lady and man have to leave. I say goodbye and don’t know how to thank them. I cry and give the woman a hug. I’m afraid to get blood on her though so I try not to hug too tightly. She holds me. I think she knew I needed that. I turn around and stare at the coach. I’m mesmerized. I can’t take my eyes off it. I feel my feet moving slowly but my eyes aren’t with them. I’m still in shock. What are Danny and Steve going to have to do? God, and Steve told me just last night I was the safest driver on the highway. I feel so incompetent and disappointed with myself. I stop crying. I open the door to Dean’s truck and almost fall down the embankment. That shakes me up a bit. I climb in and shut the door and put on my seatbelt. Nothing I can do now. I’m thankful for this kind man. And the other people who stopped to check on us. We make small conversation. He tells me stories about other truck drivers having rolled on this stretch of highway. I’m not the first. I’m okay. He then starts asking where I’m from. He is trying to get me thinking of other things. I mutter something about the corner and a moose. I can’t close my eyes. I go upside down every time. I start to ask him questions. That seems like a better way to have conversation. He can talk and I can listen. We talk about his family and kids. He pulls out their picture; how adorable! I smile for the first time. We arrive in Carmacks around 6:50 (5:50 AK time). And we can’t find the door to the nurse’s station, but when we do, we walk up to the door and we pick up the phone for service. Wendy answers and quickly comes to the door. Dean says he’ll wait outside with my things. I thank him over and over. Wendy brings me inside and first has me start talking about the accident as she writes down information. She asks for my ID. I left it outside, so I go to my purse. That’s when I find that my wallet is not in there. It must have flown somewhere we didn’t see. Luckily I have my passport. Good enough. She brings me to a room where I can sit down. I thankfully oblige. I lay down on the bed and she asks me where I’m hurting. I knew my face had cuts and it was only really tender if I touched it. One of my right ribs felt quite sore when I moved the right arm at certain times. My left elbow had a huge bruise and I lifted my sweatshirt and found blood on it too. I had various beginnings to bruises here and there on my body, but honestly felt nothing to be worried about. The best had happened. It could have been one-hundred times worse, but not better. She feels around my body and presses at points where I might not realize there is pain. She’s shocked. I really am okay. I’m sure bruises will arise in the next 12 hours, but we don’t have to worry just yet. She takes my blood pressure, and it’s high. 145 over 90 or so. Dean let’s us know that he ran into a constable, and he was on his way over... "

i hope that gives you an idea of the wreck.

it's been a crazy few weeks processing all of this. it's weird enough just the simple fact that i shouldn't have lived. my bosses and mechanic all said something to the effect of "she had someone sitting on her lap protecting her". i found out later that my coach was actually airborn for a good 16 feet and landed on the driver's side. my head was 2 ft away from the point of impact. the bars and windows were bent and shattered around my head. and all i had were cuts that are now healed with no trace of ever having been there.

what a miracle. i think it's slightly funny to compare myself to harry potter as "the girl who lived". i was faced with imminent death and came away alive and not only alive, but also in good physical condition.

another note, i have found out that there have been 3 roll over accidents in our company in the last year (including mine). i am the only survivor.

so these are things i think about quite a bit. i'm back to work now. i am taking baby steps to hopefully go back to driving tours again soon. so far, i have only been driving transfers in a sprinter (which is little more than a glorified van). that's going well. i am more and more comfortable driving every day. i think it's actually harder when i am in a vehicle that others are driving.

because of all of this, a lot has changed in my life. my every day and weekly schedule are unpredictable. i don't get to enjoy the highway life, but have very much enjoyed the local life. i have met a few people who inspire and challenge me. who make me think. who make me feel. who love me for me. who take care of me. who laugh and cry with me. who i love spending time with. who are kindred spirits. they are few and far between, and God has blessed me with two up here. i am so thankful for them.

maybe more later. i need to get up and move around. no more sitting. maybe go hiking. it's gross out, but i haven't hiked in a week and it's time.